A Sexy Blog

The Count of Monte Cristo (2024) doesn’t just dust off Alexandre Dumas’s tale for a new generation—it dips the whole battered novel in a vat of cinematic dye, wrings from it every drop of opulent color and feverish pain, and gives us a revenge saga with enough pulse to rattle modern audiences out of their collective torpor. You sit down expecting Masterpiece Theatre—the kind of earnest, upholstered adaptation that suffocates on its own handsomeness—and instead the film throws you headlong into the glare and grime of 19th-century France, daring you to blink.

Is Guy Ritchie the last true showman of our smirking age, or is he just the only one shameless enough to relight the fuse on the old war-comic dynamite? With The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare, he hauls his bag of cheeky tricks to World War II—history, for Ritchie, is less a backdrop than a soundstage for swagger, shootouts, and blokes with accents sharp enough to slice through Nazi brass.

There are movies that claim to “go there,” and then there’s 8mm—a movie that finds the locked door, kicks it open, and drags you into a darkness so absolute you forget the way out. Joel Schumacher, who usually deals in gloss and glitter, here trades the neon for bruise-purples and cigarette-ash shadows. The result? A drama that should come with a warning label: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS ‘JUST LOOKING’ ANYMORE.

Settling into my seat for Schindler’s List, I felt a nervous charge—equal parts anticipation and foreboding, as if I were about to audit a master class in empathy while simultaneously standing trial for the history of my own species. Spielberg has, over the years, proven himself a virtuoso in the theater of the heart, but with this film he trades in his usual sentimental coin for something far harsher, sharper—a shank, not a valentine.

Let’s strip away the illusion: Land of Bad is the cinematic equivalent of a greasy cheeseburger at midnight—no one will claim it’s haute cuisine, but good lord, sometimes you just need it. It’s the type of picture that wears its lack of originality like dog tags, draped proudly over a flak vest of tropes. Oscars? Not unless they start giving out awards for Most Satisfying Detonation or Best Use of a Helicopter in a Crisis. But when you’re hungry for sensory overload—explosions, cussed camaraderie, men shouting “Go! Go! Go!” into static—who’s keeping score?