Welcome to the world of "Alarum," a 2025 American action crime thriller that apparently tried to be edgy but feels more like a desperate cry for help. You know what they say—nothing screams creativity like two spies deciding to go rogue so they can, wait for it, get married. Honestly, that’s basically the plot of every romantic comedy, minus the charm and any semblance of coherent storytelling.
Directed by Michael Polish, and packed to the gills with a cast featuring Scott Eastwood, Sylvester Stallone, and what feels like a few extra bodies picked up off the street, this film is less of a suspenseful ride and more like being trapped in an elevator with a malfunctioning light. It’s dull, clunky, and you can’t help but wish you had taken the stairs.
Character and Plot Overview: Action Heroes or Action Zeroes
Let’s dive into the shimmering depths of mediocrity that comprises the characters of "Alarum." Scott Eastwood plays Agent Joe Travers, which presumably means he was given the role because they needed a young male lead who wouldn't require extensive acting training. His fiancée, Agent Laura, played by Willa Fitzgerald, adds absolutely nothing to the narrative except a front-row seat to the brain cell-killing fight sequences. And then there’s Stallone, the aging action star who seems to have plummeted into the realm of "What Was I Thinking?" He portrays Agent Chester, although it’s unclear if he was supposed to be a serious character or a parody of one—spoiler alert: it’s probably the latter.
As for the plot, it’s a classic case of “let’s throw some clichés into a blender.” Two spies fall in love, lock themselves away in a cozy cabin to plot their espionage-induced wedding, and then, surprise! They become the target of intelligence agencies all because of a stolen hard drive. Is this a massive heist movie or a poorly executed instructional video on how not to write a screenplay? The world may never know.
Thematic Elements: A Story So Deep, It’s Practically at Sea Level
If you’re searching for profound themes in "Alarum," you might as well read the back of a cereal box instead; at least that offers some morning entertainment. The central conflict seems to be focused on love in the face of chaos, but just like everything else in the film, it’s handled with the grace of a hippo on roller skates. The relationships are paper-thin, the action sequences feel as though they were choreographed by someone having a seizure, and asking us to care even a little about these agents is like praying for rain in the middle of a drought. The entire premise could easily fit onto a napkin, and possibly would make more sense that way.
The action sequences in "Alarum" are nothing short of groundbreaking, especially when it comes to our heroes' impressive ability to take down military drones using assault rifles. Who needs high-tech missile systems or advanced anti-aircraft weaponry? Nope! Just give them a good ol’ M16, and voilà! Any drone hovering several thousand feet high in the air is no match for the sheer willpower of our homemade Rambo wannabes armed with nothing but bravado and a serious lack of common sense. Forget about physics or the laws of aerial combat; this movie boldly thrusts us into a universe where human ingenuity trumps military technology. Who knew that a couple of squabbling spies could send drones crashing to the ground like discarded soda cans in a parking lot?
Descriptive Language and Production Insights: A Feast for the Eyes—For All the Wrong Reasons
Visually, "Alarum" presents a stunning tableau of soggy cardboard—truly a feast for the eyes, if you happen to be a referee at an art contest for blindfolded toddlers. Scenes that are supposed to evoke suspense somehow come across as if they were filmed through an obscured bathroom mirror, and don't even get me started on the editing. It's so shoddy you'd think they handed the project to a group of kindergarteners with a VHS recorder and a vision of chaos. As for the CGI, ah yes, a nostalgic trip down memory lane! Those smoking barrels and blood spatters are so amateurish they evoke fond memories of "Armor", that other heartwarming entry into the pantheon of visually disastrous action flicks. Who doesn’t love some poorly rendered explosions and special effects that remind you of a 2005 video game in its beta stage?
Critical Analysis: A Masterclass in Mediocrity
If you’re looking to find redeeming qualities in "Alarum," I challenge you to locate them because they might be hiding as successfully as these actors are hiding their despair. The script? A hot mess of half-baked lines that would make a kindergarten play look Shakespearean. The pacing? It feels like it’s stuck in molasses, dragging itself through an unforgiving swamp of tedium. Any action packed into this film is as exciting as watching paint dry. The whole presentation is so riddled with incompetence that it’s hard not to think the cast and crew collectively rolled their eyes at the final product.
A Deep Dive into Sylvester Stallone’s Artistic Choices: Where's the Motivation?
Sylvester Stallone—our beloved action icon! The man who has graced screens for decades, not just as a character but as a symbol of testosterone and questionable life decisions. And yet, here he is, cozying up to a project like "Alarum". One can’t help but question whether he’s feeling particularly adventurous or if he’s really just searching for the lost remains of his dignity after “Armor”. Seriously, Sylvester, is this really the path you wish to tread?
Let’s take a moment to think about Stallone’s illustrious career. From "Rocky" to "Rambo", he’s given us some of the most memorable performances in action cinema history. But in "Alarum", he plays Agent Chester, a character so forgettable that I have to remind myself that he’s even in the film. I mean, was this a personal dare to see just how low the bar could be set?
One must wonder if Sylvester’s motivation stems from a curious blend of artistic integrity and financial desperation. Perhaps this was his way of saying, “I still exist!” to a world that had largely forgotten "Armor", as if those two films are somehow part of the same dangerous universe of bad decision-making. Maybe he needs the cash to fund some next-gen Botox treatments, or perhaps he is curating a collection of terrible action films to showcase at a not-so-secret movie festival titled “What Were They Thinking?”
Watching him deliver lines that feel more robotic than the CGI effects surrounding him is a sad experience. It’s hard to recognize the man who once personified sheer grit now reduced to spouting cringe-inducing dialogue in a movie that might as well have been edited with a spoon. You can almost picture the studio executives promising him the moon with whispers of “This is your chance to connect with a new generation!” only to have him realize halfway into filming that he’s just trapped in another cinematic nightmare.
Conclusion: The Final Alarm on "Alarum"
Look, if "Alarum" were a wildfire, it would be the one where instead of flames of passion, we’re left with smoke and disappointment. If this film was made for entertaining action enthusiasts, they might want to check their pulse because it’s likely they’ve flatlined. In a world cluttered with engrossing stories, "Alarum" emerges as a quintessential reminder of cinematic failure, basking in its own ineptitude. So, if you’re up for a movie that makes one question their life choices—this is your ticket. Otherwise, steer clear. You deserve better.
