Trashtacular

Hellhound, a film that somehow pulls off the rare feat of being slightly better than the Nicolas Cage debacle known as Bangkok Dangerous, is a cinematic experience you might want to forget — yet one that inspires such curiosity that you can't help but wonder if you’re watching a parody of the hitman genre. This thriller revolves around Loreno, a hitman looking for a way out after tackling what he describes as his “last job.” Spoiler alert: his “last job” turns out to be just as cliché as the title suggests, featuring a mind-numbingly predictable plot that, unfortunately, falls flat of anything original.

Carjackers is a haphazard amalgam that could generously be described as cinematic confusion. Streaming on platforms that likely won’t dare claim it as an exclusive, the film tells the story of Nora and her motley crew of valets and bartenders who moonlight as thieves, hitting up unsuspecting wealthy patrons. As if this dual life wasn’t complicated enough, they decide to pull off their biggest heist yet, all while being hunted down by a hitman hired by their own hotel’s director. The premise is tantalizing enough to spark interest, but strap in because this ride is heading straight into the pit of mediocrity.

Popeye's Revenge, the cinematic event of 2025 that nobody asked for but apparently someone thought we needed. This British slasher horror debut, directed by William Stead and written by Harry Boxley—who, let’s be honest, seemed to have one foot in the cereal aisle while brainstorming—takes the beloved spinach-loving sailor and drags him into a realm far more grotesque than the one fans of E.C. Segar could ever imagine. What promises to be a dark transformation of the iconic character ends up traversing dangerous waters, rarely surfacing from the murky depths of absurdity.

Where do I even start with this gem of a film named MR-9: Do or Die? From the very moment the credits start rolling, it feels like they might as well have been playing the theme song from the Jaws soundtrack because you’re about to witness a horror show that’s both comedic and tragic in equal measure. Directed by Asif Akbar, this supposed spy action thriller is an international collaboration between the United States and Bangladesh—because what could possibly go wrong when you mix countries that are worlds apart in filmmaking sensibilities?

The cinematic experience that is Battle Over Britain—where expectations plummet so low that they might just reach the sub-basement of filmmaking standards. Released on Prime, this ambitious attempt to capture the relentless spirit of World War II aerial combat unfolds like a labor of love that’s had one too many boiling pots of water splashed on it. As it unveils its narrative of a fresh-faced young pilot eager to defend his homeland, audiences are left wondering if the filmmakers were equally determined to defend our senses from any semblance of quality.

Star Trek: Section 31, the latest “triumph” in the hallowed Star Trek franchise. Released on Paramount+, this film attempts—let’s be generous here—to capture the magic of the Star Trek universe, but instead, it resembles a hapless child playing dress-up in a too-big, moth-eaten uniform. Longtime Star Trek fans, brace yourselves: this isn’t just bad; it’s a nostalgic nightmare. With its confused characterizations and incoherent plot, the film stands as a testament to what happens when you take a beloved franchise and toss it into a blender set on “oblivion".