Trashtacular

In a world where hostage situations can spiral into cinematic gold mines, iHostage emerges as an enthusiastic yet utterly uninspired attempt to make you care about the life inside your local Apple Store. Directed by Bobby Boermans, this 2025 Dutch crime film attempts to serve up the thrills of a high-stakes standoff in Amsterdam, but instead leaves you wondering if it’s time to upgrade your popcorn to something a bit more exciting. If you ever wanted to see a movie that captures the inside baseball of Apple Stores while failing to uncover the depths of human motivation, this is your ticket to total tedium. Spoiler alert: It’s a hard pass.

The cinematic experience that is Battle Over Britain—where expectations plummet so low that they might just reach the sub-basement of filmmaking standards. Released on Prime, this ambitious attempt to capture the relentless spirit of World War II aerial combat unfolds like a labor of love that’s had one too many boiling pots of water splashed on it. As it unveils its narrative of a fresh-faced young pilot eager to defend his homeland, audiences are left wondering if the filmmakers were equally determined to defend our senses from any semblance of quality.

How we love a good biopic, especially one centered around a character as illustrious as Vladimir Putin. Enter the cinematic catastrophe known as Putin, directed by Patryk Vega, a name that will surely join the ranks of legendary filmmakers—right next to Uwe Boll. Released on January 10, 2025, this film promised an exhilarating journey through the life of the iron-fisted ruler of Russia. Instead, it delivers a jumbled mess that is about as coherent as Putin's own policies. Bravo, Vega, for turning a once gripping narrative into a nonsensical exercise in confusion and disappointment. If you were looking for a mind-bending experience, you certainly got one—though I imagine insomnia will yield more fulfilling results.

In the grimy, rain-soaked underbelly of London, where hope goes to die a slow death, we find "Harry Brown" (2009), a film that promises a gritty, no-holds-barred exploration of vigilantism and despair. With Michael Caine donning the mantle of our titular anti-hero, one might be forgiven for expecting a thrilling ride through the mean streets, à la "Batman" meets "Death Wish." Alas, the reality is as disappointing as finding out your favorite superhero is secretly a vegan.

As a professional assassin's retirement goes south thanks to an injured young woman, I walked into this film with trepidation, hoping to see a riveting tale unfold. What I received instead felt like a poorly executed school project, showcasing huge gaps in the storyline and timelines so inconsistent they rival the plot twists in a daytime soap opera.

I recently sat down to watch Mary, the 2024 epic biblical film directed by D. J. Caruso and penned by Timothy Michael Hayes. Featuring the likes of Noa Cohen, who takes on the titular role, and Anthony Hopkins as the ever-manic Herod, I was intrigued by the premise.