Trashtacular

Well, folks, grab your popcorn — or maybe just a gigantic bottle of aspirin — because we’re diving headfirst into the cinematic disaster known as WarGames: The Dead Code. Directed by Stuart Gillard, this 2008 sequel to the beloved 1983 classic attempts to rekindle the magic of hacking and Cold War paranoia with a plot so convoluted it could make a pretzel jealous. If you thought the original had some stretches of plausibility, then buckle up for this joyride — or should I say, slog — through the convoluted world of government surveillance, high school shenanigans, and “advanced” artificial intelligence. Spoiler alert: the only thing advanced here is my dislike for this film.

Tyler Perry's latest offering, Duplicity, recently arrived on Amazon Prime Video, and I must admit, while it attempts to explore critical themes of justice and police violence, I found the film to be a disappointing exercise rather than a compelling mystery thriller. With a runtime pushing almost two hours, it seems to weave a complex narrative but ultimately reveals a collection of tired tropes. The setup presents an intriguing premise, but what unfolded felt tedious and far from engaging.

This movie is shit shit shit. Yes, you heard that right—three times for emphasis, just like the movie's incessantly annoying soundtrack that drowns out any semblance of narrative or character development. The Hard Hit, or as I hilariously prefer to call it, The Hard Shit, is a cinematic experience that promises so much with its stellar Rotten Tomatoes 5-star reviews, likely written by the director himself in a fit of self-delusion. Trust me, don't be fooled by the star rating; it's about as authentic as the movie's dialogue, which is akin to a bad high school play.

Hellhound, a film that somehow pulls off the rare feat of being slightly better than the Nicolas Cage debacle known as Bangkok Dangerous, is a cinematic experience you might want to forget — yet one that inspires such curiosity that you can't help but wonder if you’re watching a parody of the hitman genre. This thriller revolves around Loreno, a hitman looking for a way out after tackling what he describes as his “last job.” Spoiler alert: his “last job” turns out to be just as cliché as the title suggests, featuring a mind-numbingly predictable plot that, unfortunately, falls flat of anything original.

Carjackers is a haphazard amalgam that could generously be described as cinematic confusion. Streaming on platforms that likely won’t dare claim it as an exclusive, the film tells the story of Nora and her motley crew of valets and bartenders who moonlight as thieves, hitting up unsuspecting wealthy patrons. As if this dual life wasn’t complicated enough, they decide to pull off their biggest heist yet, all while being hunted down by a hitman hired by their own hotel’s director. The premise is tantalizing enough to spark interest, but strap in because this ride is heading straight into the pit of mediocrity.

Popeye's Revenge, the cinematic event of 2025 that nobody asked for but apparently someone thought we needed. This British slasher horror debut, directed by William Stead and written by Harry Boxley—who, let’s be honest, seemed to have one foot in the cereal aisle while brainstorming—takes the beloved spinach-loving sailor and drags him into a realm far more grotesque than the one fans of E.C. Segar could ever imagine. What promises to be a dark transformation of the iconic character ends up traversing dangerous waters, rarely surfacing from the murky depths of absurdity.