Let’s not beat around the bush: "Classified" is an absolute abomination of a film. If I could give it a negative rating, I would. It’s as if three separate atrocities were flung together, masquerading as a coherent movie.
Aaron Eckhart must be feeling the weight of his last few projects because, after "Chief of Station" dropped the ball, this cinematic train-wreck sent it careening into a brick wall.
Premise and Execution
The premise had potential—veteran CIA operative Evan Shaw (played by Eckhart) uncovers the grim truth behind his mission assignments and is joined by his daughter Kacey (Abigail Breslin), an MI6 analyst. But let me tell you, the execution is horrifically botched. The dialogue is riddled with clichés and filled with “Captain Obvious”-style lines that had me cringing in disbelief. It’s as if the writers took a weekend writing course and thought they were ready for the big leagues—news flash, they weren’t. In fact, the script feels so clumsy and uninspired that it wouldn’t surprise me if the writers resorted to using ChatGPT for the heavy lifting.
Acting (or Lack Thereof)
And as for the acting? It was downright atrocious. It’s as if the actors were aware of the doomed nature of this project from the get-go, resulting in performances that felt sloppy and disinterested. Eckhart and Breslin seem to deliver their lines as if they were underpaid extras in a low-budget flick, going through the motions as if they were just waiting for the paycheck to clear. This lack of commitment is particularly glaring, especially considering the talent involved. There are moments where you can almost see the resignation in their eyes, hinting that they knew they were part of something fundamentally flawed.
Spark of Humor
Now, while I must criticize many aspects of this film, I will admit that Breslin's character had her moments. Though the screenplay is a mess, Breslin managed to bring a spark with some genuinely funny lines. Her wit and charm occasionally pierced through the film’s overwhelming incompetence, and those moments offered a brief respite from the chaos. Unfortunately, that’s like saying the sprinkles on a cake can save the fact that it’s made of rancid batter.
Technical Shortcomings
The film suffers from sloppily edited sequences and ridiculous plot inconsistencies, and it was particularly distracting to see characters inexplicably switch outfits within the same scene. Additionally, the special effects appeared laughably cheap, and the script was so thin that it seemed like it would struggle to carry a paperweight.
Action Sequences
Action sequences? Oh boy. Calling them “poorly choreographed” would be an understatement. I lost count of how many scenes featured dozens of gunmen firing thousands of rounds while our protagonists—Eckhart and Breslin—managed to dodge all bullets with the grace of cartoon characters in a slapstick routine. At one point, Eckhart’s character decides to toss aside the assault rifle that could have saved him and instead swing into kung fu moves like he’s auditioning for a low-budget martial arts film. I've seen better gunplay in playground games.
Baffling Choices
But it doesn’t stop there. The fight scenes are absurdly protracted and confusing, as Eckhart inexplicably drops his weapons just to engage in ridiculous hand-to-hand combat instead of dealing with threats with a bullet. Are we supposed to accept that an experienced CIA operative would openly court death by throwing away his weapons in a firefight? It’s all utterly baffling and defies any sense of logic that one might expect from a so-called action-thriller.
Chemistry and Scenery
The chemistry between Breslin and Eckhart, while entirely lacking in some moments, could still be salvaged through her humorous dialogue. Amidst the tension, her quips offered fleeting bits of levity that were sorely needed.
Even the scenery—a supposedly beautiful backdrop of Malta—couldn't save this disaster. It felt more like the filmmakers were relying on its charm to distract us from the cinematic dumpster fire unfolding on-screen.
Conclusion
In summation, "Classified" is a conflation of terrible dialogue and pitiful action, with a plot so absurd it begs the question: who signed off on this? While I must criticize the film as a whole, I will concede that Breslin’s character offers some redeeming qualities through her comedic timing. However, those brief moments of levity stand in stark contrast to the overall chaos surrounding them.
If you’re okay with a movie that falls flat on its face but manages to trip over its own feet into a punchline, you may find a sliver of enjoyment here. But otherwise, spare yourself the time and frustration. This movie is not just bad; it’s a betrayal of the entire action genre. Do yourselves a favor: avoid "Classified" at all costs.
